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| I realized God loves me. He loves me because he's answered my prayers (and answering!). As I was reading my old journal entries from high school.. I remembered how ashamed I felt in school, how stupid I felt in school compared to everyone, how irresponsible and inadequate and not enough compared to my friends who were very on top of it. I got rejected to all the UCs that I applied to. I only got accepted to Washington and Biola. I chose Washington because it was the best option for me. I remember asking God to take my studies, take me, a broken me, and to take control of my future. And look at me now. Look where God has brought me. I'm at USC. I am studying occupational therapy and I'm getting my masters. I love occupational therapy. I like working with people with disabilities. I can use occupational therapy for missions. I have a direction and a passion and I like what I'm doing. I have a vision of what I want to do in China with OT. God is good to me. God loves me. God shaped this in me without me being conscious. I just wanted to do whatever, and God shaped and formed my passions. God was working in me when I felt I was so lost, worthless, and inadequate. God is good to me. God loves me. God heard my prayers and He delivered me. He's delivering me. He wants to show me that He's on my side. I'm not alone.  ... I'm not alone.  .. I'm really not alone.  .. I'm not alone.  God is with me. | | |
| so today, i wanted to wake up at 7:30am, go to bricks and scones cafe and work on my paper. i often plan my day the day before, but i guess i often reach too high. because turns out the next morning (today), i woke up at 7am, but i was rocked by bad dream, and i couldn't get myself to get out of bed because i enjoyed the comfort and warmth of my bed and was too tired. i felt this internal war inside me because i wanted to get up, but i didn't want to get up, and i was beating myself down in my head for wasting time and not getting up, but i didn't want to beat myself down and feel so awful anymore so i chose to ignore my thoughts by try falling asleep again, but obviously doesn't fix the situation, cuz i continue not getting up and wake up feeling more anxious and defeated. anyways, i'm not sure if that happens to you, but it happened to me this morning, and the story has a happy ending. haha so finally, i decided to lug myself out of bed, go take a shower, and just remind myself that God has grace on me. Jennifer Smolke reminded me yesterday that God has grace on me. I get mad at myself for being a bad student who doesn't manage her time or not a good dog owner because i don't take boots out for a walk every, and it makes me feel better to know that God still has grace on me. in other words, it's okay Christine. you didn't wake up to do your work the time you wanted, but you're not bad and God still wants to give you good things despite the choices i make. and then it was comforting to remember, "well christine, at least you have salvation. you are saved. even though this paper is here, remember you're saved and the worst is already done. you will spend eternity with me and be fully satisfied, so this paper is really small." it comforted me knowing that this paper is just a paper, and i am lucky that i already possess the greatest treasure in this world: knowing Jesus Christ. i think i forget how lucky I am that i have salvation. it's actually a great blessing because I belong somewhere. I belong to a kingdom that's outside this world to a Savior and Creator who loves me before I was born, and I want to be with my Creator who wants to give me everything!  i think i tend to attach a lot of my worth to my papers and performance. i get really anxious writing papers because i have this internal war in my mind saying, "it's not good enough, it's a bad paper, you are not being clear in your thoughts, this is stupid, it's so bad." and i fear turning it in because i want to turn in a great paper. but really, this paper is just a paper. and i am me. the paper and me are two separate things. if i don't do well on the paper, its because i didn't meet the expectations of the paper, not because i'm a stupid girl. thus with that said, i want to conclude with a verse. i want to conclude with a verse that reminds me that God loves me. Psalm 91:14-15 "Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation." God, give me strength to remember that my salvation belongs to you.
Give me the strength to receive your love.
Give me the strength to love the people around me and do best with what you've given me.
Give me the strength to write my paper.
I am thankful to be chosen and loved by God! :D In your name amen. | | |
| if i could do anything in my life and had no restrains and God was on my side for all these, and I was super human... I would:
1. Develop an interdisciplinary therapy program in China (maybe one major one)
2. Plant small therapy programs in rural areas of China
3. Disciple small groups women's bible study with my husband who I hope is a pastor
4. Implement a special needs disability ministry at my local church
5. Support child abuse organizations, support child sexual abuse organization
6. Have my family be a refuge for those who have been abused.
7. Adopt special needs children or be a foster family for special needs children
8. Become a social worker or maybe take classes about social work that interest me
9. Volunteer for CASA, be involved and advocate against child abuse
10. Get a teaching and social work degree... or enhance those characteristics as being an OT
:) | | |
| I paid my discover and Chase credit card! Why is this a victory? Because I figured it out how to do it myself. I think I should give myself credit. yay :) | | |
| i talked to my classmate yesterday about religion. he asked me what i thought was the essence of christianity. i told him a quick answer, in that there is one true and living God, (and that is even open to much debate), and that He created all things and want everything to be reconciled back to Him, so we can live the life we were created. But since sin came in, we were separated from Him, but by believing in Jesus, we can finally return to our creator. well, i wish it was that eloquent. i'm not sure how well i mentioned Jesus, i should have emphasized putting your faith in Christ more because that's what sets us apart from other religions. he then started to share with me his view of religion, and how he thought all religions were the same. they had the same message: to be good to others. and his whole theory that religion is a thread that holds people together, gives them community, ppl use religion for power and so forth. while listening to his explanation of it, my heart sank. this guy is missing the crux of religion. it's not just superficial, binding of people and forming a community. people will fail you, community will betray you, people will desert you. but the Lord is everlasting. the crux of Christianity is admitting our brokenness, a brokenness so deep that no one can heal or touch, no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you try to make things right, to fix things, you just cant. religion isn't about being good to others. christianity commands us to love one another, but the reason is because of Christ. Christ died for us, so we should model HIM. Not so we could feel good about ourselves. It's so we can have our deepest desires of our heart, the deepest pain, the inner brokeness to shine Christ, to be filled with Christ, and that is beauty. Christianity is humility, it's a story of love. The greatest love there is. That the perfect king of perfection would come down to earth, to embrace our rejection. "You left your perfection, to embrace our rejection". Christ surrendered his holiness to embrace us rebellious objects sinful natures of wrath. WAT THE HELL!!! I don't understand, but that's Christianity. It has no room for the pride. It has no room for the arrogant. It has no room for the ignorant. It has room for brokenness, for complete surrender, for revere of a holy and almighty God. If I could tell him what Christianity is. I will give him this Psalm: "When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My heart and flesh may fail,
but God is strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works." Psalm 73:21-28 If I had another chance, I want to see my friend see the beauty of God. It's not by fear that will cause my friend to see God, it's by seeing God's kindness. I desire my whole class to know Christ, however I am a timid girl. I want to affirm in my heart the majesty and solidarity of the Lord. I want to tell people about you Lord. I really do. I honestly do. Please help me faithful in the small things. Please give me strength to face today. Give me strength to declare who You are. Thank you for saving me. in ur name, amen. | | |
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